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Lately, I’ve been thinking about what I do for a living. My job is to make sure I am capable of inspiring and motivating people for them to deliver results. I should be a walking advertisement of passion and vision. I have been so in the last two years.

I know what it’s like to be the best there is. I have tasted number one many times over. But being the best comes with the price not everyone is willing to pay. It usually is in the company of bitter resentment of people who end up being number 2. Or maybe it’s from those whose feelings you have hurt because you did not show enough understanding or concern.

In the past, those things did not seem to matter to me. I was delivering results…solid results which no one, not even my harshest critics can deny.

Yet I’ve been waking up tired, bored, and simply frustrated with the way things are going. I am so sick and tired of the whining and bitching of those who do nothing. That sense of entitlement and pampering surrounds me wherever I go.

I cannot give what I do not have.

Echo, echo
Say what
The drone of countless whispers
Jaw drops in awe

Sigh, sigh
Oh yes
That is juicy amongst the hush
Slowly lick your lips

Look, look
The who
Surreptiously glance at me
Let me slap you.

Watch me
As I break your precious heart
into resounding
bits
and pieces.

I am miles away.

Akala ko…magaling ako magmaneho. Matagal-tagal na din naman ako nagda-drive. Taon na. Kahit gaano ka trapik, gaano pa kabarubal yung mga ibang drayber…ayus pa rin ako. Nakakarating pa ren ako sa dapat kong puntahan. Paminsan, may gasgas ng konti. Pero di ako ang bumabangga, madalas, nakahinto na nga ako–nadadali pa ako. Mga ganung tema.

May nagsabi sa ken na astig daw sa Bundok ng Tralala. Medyo malayo daw pero okay yung mga tao. Pili lang ang mga nakakapunta at nakakatambay dun. Una, ekis ka kung di ka marunong magmaneho mag-isa kase di ka makakarating dun. Pangalawa, doble ekis ka kung pagdating mo dun wala kang alam gawin at kayang atupagin kundi sarili mo lang. Nagiging okay ang Tralala dahil bawat isa may alam na bagay na pwedeng ituro sa iba. Pangatlo, patapon ka na kung di mo talaga alam kung baket ka pumunta dun. Sa madaling sabi, lahat daw ng nasa Tralala–dapat may silbi.

Dahil naghahanap ako ng kakaiba, naglakas-loob ako magpunta sa Tralala. Isip ko, pwedeng-pwede ako dun. Kaya ko mag-drayb mag-isa. Magaling ako mag-drayb at pwede ko yun ituro sa iba. Ilan lang ata kaming ibang klase humawak ng manibela. Pangatlo, naisip ko na sawa na ako sa buhay baba. Yun ang dahilan ko kung bakit ako nagpunta ng Tralala. Kase gusto ko umakyat. Gusto ko malaman kung ano ang itsura ng mundo mula sa itaas.

Pinaghandaan ko ang pagpunta ko sa Tralala–nag-aral ako magbasa ng mga mapa, pinaayos ko ang kotse, at kinundisyon ko ang sarili ko na kahit anong mangyari…maaakyat ko ang Tralala at mananatili ako dun.

Umalis ako patungong tralala nung Hulyo ng nakaraang taon. Naisip ko, na kayang-kaya ko marating yung rurok ng Tralala sa loob ng tatlong buwan. Hindi imposible dahil alam kong nagplano ako ng maayos para sa biyahe. Nung una, akala ko magkakatotoo. Mabilis ang byahe, maganda ang daan, madami akong magagandang bagay na nakita. Pero di nagtagal, lumabas ang mga butas sa kalye. Sumabay pa ang kawalan ng disiplina ng ibang taong nagmamaneho kasabay ko. Idagdag mo pa ang mga traffic aide na nagmamarunong. Nakakalito. Narating ko ang paanan ng Tralala pagkatapos ng walong buwan.

Temang paakyat na ako ng mabutasan ako ng gulong. Sa sobrang pagod sa kakaisip ng mga bagong daan, kakatingin ko sa mapa kung tama pa ba ang direksyon ko, at dahil na rin sa pagmamaneho ko ng halos 15 oras sa isang araw–hindi ko nakita na may nagtapon ng bubog sa daan. Narinig ko na lang na pumutok ang goma.

Nung tinabi ko yung kotse, dun ko lang naramdaman na pagod na pala ako sa kaka-drayb. Na dahil pagod na pagod ako, kahit na yung pinakasimpleng gawain na tignan ang daanan ay hindi ko nagawa. Kaya nga nasa tabi ako ng daanan ngayon.

Kanina, may nasagap akong balita. Kailangan ko daw magmadali at malapit na raw isara ang daan patungong Tralala. Gusto kong maakyat ang Tralala. Hindi pa rin nagbabago yun. Pero sa ngayon, parang gusto kong dumito na muna. Kelangan kong mag-isip. Magaling nga kaya talaga ako magmaneho o nagyayabang lang ako?

Palubog na ang araw. Kanina pa ako nakatengga sa daan–pero baket parang ayokong magpalit ng gulong?

I can’t say that I have the best social skills in the world but I do know that people like to have me around because I like to have good conversations whether it be over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. For some reason, people find it easy to talk to me about anything. I always thought of this as one of my best traits…until last Friday.

We have a new guy on-board and he is definitely interesting and I say it with all the effort of being nice. He struts around with a poker face, croaks (and I mean croak!) out his self-centered stories, and has crossed the bridge of gay-ness without knowing it. He was born to annoy anyone within a five foot radius which was really not my concern–until the freaking radius encumbered (to every sense of the word) me.

It was one of those days when I just needed my alone time. I was deliberately limiting my social interactions to the point that I did not even want to hand him his Signature Hot Chocolate from Starbucks. I was thinking that I would be safe…but no! He seemed to have made it a personal mission to follow me around like a shadow. I cringed in horror when I heard these words being ribbit-ed to me:

Since I am not doing anything today…I will bug you.

Bug me he did. Five times…an average of 1.8 times per hour in an eight hour work day. He regaled me with the very essence of him–the unasked for stories about his car, his wattle (that mound of fat after one’s chin), his new TV, his plans of buying a Nintendo Wii, his girlfriend (who people feel is his projected life-size Barbie Doll), his car, his wattle, his new TV…please.

He doesn’t get hints…subtle (I’m kinda loaded right now) or blatant (don’t you want to go back to work–like check your email or something?) even rude (are you sure you’re a guy?!). Hullo…a mollusk has more sensitivity!

He has become Word Vomit to me and the other people we work with. He freaks the living daylights out of all of us–to the point that it takes three hours to talk about him. He comes up in every discussion…from the senior leadership down to the frontliners. If anything good can be said…at least he has impact and recall.

Already, I am dreading the week and I am hoping that I find that E-Repellant Lotion that will give me a mantle of protection or at least invisibility. Last Friday made me feel like I was sentenced to 100 years of Weekly Business Review Sessions with Les Mosquito. I know I can’t survive another day like that…not with all the pressure at work.

I know I’ve done some pretty nasty things in the past but come on, give me a break! I do not think I deserve something like Smokey Manaloto on Prozac.

I’m being mean. So sue me.

I am up and about. I know I should be sleeping but for some reason, I am not. I am giving myself until 10 pm before I turn the lights out whether I like it or not. I do not know what to write…so as a solution…I am going to blog about random thoughts that enter my head. Perhaps all the confusion that’s locked between my ears is going to loosen up a bit once I get a piece written out tonight. I know for a fact that I worry too much about things, even if I’m not supposed to.

So here go my thought bubbles.
DISCLAIMER: Do not expect sensible opinions. My brain is officially on autopilot as of 4pm today. The disinterested should not go beyond this line. Thank you.

1. Clinton versus Obama

- Ah yes, it is as if the Republicans are not fielding anyone for the US Elections. It seems like this is it! Some say that the US is ready for neither of them – a woman or an african american president. Others say that it’s going to be very hard for the US to find another woman who can run for president. I say, wait for Condoleeza Rice. She’s a woman and african american. WOAH.

2. The Premium Account

- I don’t talk about my work often enough in my blog simply because there are limitations as to what can be disclosed. Anyway, my team is going to support the so-called premium account of our program. This was a decision that was made just last week. So many changes are taking place and performances are currently being assessed. Temp checking with some of my co-workers has not helped…most of them say that they’ve heard this song playing before. Well, I haven’t. So… let’s see what all this jazz is about. WOOHOOHOO!

3. Lovers in Paris

- Can I just say that with the current stress at work, the best way to unwind is to not think when you get home. That is exactly what I do on weekends. I watch Korea-novelas. I am a neophyte in the world of Go’s, Choi’s , and Hans. But honestly…after watching this…I felt really cheated. My heart was breaking for Tae Young Kang and Kijoo Han. And it was a freaking DREAM? Or more accurately…Tae Young’s screenplay! What’s up with that?! It never happened! But who am I kidding–it really never happened. NYAR.

4. Coffee Prince

- Now this is a Koreanovela that can give Meteor Garden a run for its money. I love the premise. Although it reverts to the usual rich guy-poor girl theme in the end, I like the added twist of the girl pretending she was a guy and the main guy eventually falling for the girl-guy. Despite and in spite of. Of course, the male friends I have think it is gross. But hey, what do you expect? Anyway, I melted when I read the subtitle “I don’t care if you are a man or an alien, I love you.” It cannot get any sweeter than that. AAAWWWW.

5. Julian Tovarisch

- My son is beside me as a type this. He woke up from and has decided to bug me as I type. Everyday that I see him, I am one day more grateful for him being back home. The skin graft surgery was 100% successful and we are just waiting for his neck and chest to heal. Nothing makes me happier than to hear him call for me at the end of my day. He has this special way of saying Mommy. It’s as if he’s so proud that he can say it. Proud of me. HEHE!

6. Cesar Julius

- Of course when I think of my son, I think of his dad right after. The hubby is not home tonight as he is on the graveyard shift for this week. I am so proud of him, he has been promoted twice in the two years that he has been with his company. My husband is gifted with a tremendous amount of patience. It is this that allows him to understand my sudden bouts of childishness, laziness, and shopaholic-ness. I swear and I know there is no one like him. MUSH…

There are other things running in my head. But I guess I have a good chance of managing them. I can already feel the stirrings of a yawn. I am definitely catching the buzzzzzz that wil take me straight to Lalaland.

Goodnight!

I was going through my iTunes Library and was happy to find that I managed to save Garbage’s Version 2.0 album. This is my second most favorite song of theirs, next to Only Happy When It Rains which is the anthem of my life.

The first time you listen to Shirley Manson and her band, their beats and melodies can be overwhelming which can keep you from really understanding the clear cut lyrics behind their songs.

Temptation Waits

I’ll tell you something
I am a wolf but
I like to wear sheep’s clothing

I am a bonfire
I am a vampire
I’m waiting for my moment

You come on like a drug
I just can’t get enough
I’m like an addict coming at you for a little more
And there’s so much at stake
I can’t afford to waste
I never needed anybody like this before

I’ll tell you something
I am a demon
Some say my biggest weakness
I have my reasons
Call it my defense
Be careful what you’re wishing

You are a secret
A new possession
I like to keep you guessing

When I’m not sure what I’m living for
When I’m not sure what I’m looking for
When I’m not sure what I’m living for.

- Garbage

The beat that accompanies this song is like a ripple that turns into a crashing wave. Interestingly enough, the words convey the same image. It is not a wonder that it captures the confusion that comes when you want somebody you’re not supposed to be wanting. Anyone who’s been in the situation would know that they sang it exactly it is.

You start out as somebody so strong…so confident…so sure. You are convinced that you can have anyone you set your eyes on at any given time. Then you meet somebody who knocks the breath out of you. You are like that beautiful wave that breaks as it crashes to the shore. You lose yourself. It angers you to know about it and it makes you angrier to realize there is nothing you can do about it. That like the wave, you keep coming back to the shore that breaks you. The worst part of it is you are alone in your happiness and your misery. Because you cannot tell the object of your affection–or anyone for that matter. There is a bittersweet satisfaction in this intoxicating confusion. To a point wherein you do not know what you’re in it for…the person or the challenge.

To think that this song and its album came out a decade ago.

Google it…download it…buy it if you must. I remember one DJ friend of mine telling me that Version 2.0 is one of a few albums that you will actually listen to from the beginning to the end. This is the song that will welcome you…and seriously…you will be hooked. Whether you like it or not.

Woah.
Skip a beat
But do not fall.
Stop.
Just be still
I might let go.
Walls.
All the way
Over and beyond.
Senseless.
Utterly.
Suddenly.

Help.

* I appreciate your friendship…after all these years…I’m glad to know that things have not changed. This is for you.

Long drives can be torture when you aren’t really in the mood to travel. It can be all the more pathetic if you drive alone at 4am and the streets are deserted. In my case, I’ve lost my passion for driving in Metro Manila a long, long time ago. So the idea of traversing the route of Sta. Mesa all the way to Quirino Ave. in Novaliches is enough to make me doze off to a No Work Today Existence. Passing through Commonwealth Avenue is painstaking. It is all this time spent trying to get to your destination that allows you to think of the most stupid topics for the sake of conversation. Being a very big fan of intellectual stimulation and humor, I think it’s amazing how people can reduce themselves to idiots in a 30 minute drive.

1. Setting your foot outside your car in Cubao is enough to get you mugged.
2. It is far.
3. Dating Daan and Iglesia ni Cristo debates are actually thought-provoking.
4. It is so far.
5. The Dora the Explorer series was banned because Dora was deported back to Mexico for working without a US Visa.
6. It is so damned far.
7. To resign or not to resign.
8. I am so sleepy.
9. It is really so damned far.
10. Do you think ____ is ____ (gay, weird, good, right, hot, ugly, smart)?
11. Are we there yet?
12. What would you do if you run over someone and his guts are splattered all over your bumper?
13. Oh, we still are not there.
14. So are you resigning?
15. Still in the car.
16. We are at the half-way mark.
17. This is just too far for me.
18. I don’t like the sound my car makes. It reminds me of the Jetsons.
19. Really. FAR.
20. Talk to me. I am trying to be entertaining.

Please be advised that this conversation takes place with all those sappy songs in the background.
Designed to Depress.
Thank goodness for a house that is 10 minutes away from the workplace.

I’m only happy when it rains
I’m only happy when it’s complicated
And though I know you can’t appreciate it
I’m only happy when it rains.

You know I love it when the news is bad
Why it feels so good to feel so sad
I’m only happy when it rains.

Pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me

I’m only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad, sad songs
I’m only happy when it rains.

I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn’t accidentally tell you that
I’m only happy when it rains.

You’ll get the message by the time I’m through
When I complain about me and you
I’m only happy when it rains.

Pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me

You can keep me company as long as you don’t care.

I’m only happy when it rains
You’ll wanna hear about my new obsession
I’m riding high on a deep depression
I’m only happy when it rains.

– Garbage
****

This has got to be the anthem of all complicated people in the world.

A friend of mine asked me why I always chose to be the Big C.

Over the years, that statement has evolved. My mom says that I am stubborn, bullheaded, or proud. Friends would describe me as weird, finicky, psychotic, even difficult. Guys smile and tell me I am intriguing, engaging, different, or if the relationship turned sour, neurotic. I would always state that I am an acquired taste. My opinions, decisions, and questions are not for everyone. Trust me. I know.

Perhaps what they see as complicated is simply the refusal to live vicariously. In the play that is my life, I don’t want to be a part of the audience that applauds when the curtains fall. I need to be writing, living and breathing the lines because all of it is mine. If my world collapses and rebuilds itself, I don’t want to read about it. I need to feel it and have a go at shaping it.

Pretending to live life is a waste of time. Is that complicated?

Half the time, people make decisions based on what others want for them not what they want for themselves. As a result, they exist in a sort of half-life where they are busy convincing themselves and those around them that they have no regrets. Then one day, they wake up and realize what they’ve missed. They either try to catch up or live it down—but it hurts no matter what.

In the last decade or so, I have made decisions that others felt were very selfish (because my sole consideration was myself) and insensitive (because someone got hurt). Most of the choices I took involved me going off and doing my thing. Selfish and insensitive they may be, but those choices actually gave me the one thing that most people do not ever get to understand: a personal stake, a sense of accountability to myself and to what happens in my life. My mistakes are painful but remain to be the best lessons. I have long ago realized that there is no such thing as ‘just because’ and that it is really pathetic to say, “because they said so”.

I encounter a lot of people who seem to make it a personal mission to preach self-righteously from a high horse. These people are silenced by one question: “How would you know?”. They then quote anything from the Bible, their ancestral belief, or country folklore but seldom from personal experience. That is as relevant to me as telling me my own name.

If complicated means having enough courage to go for what you really want, patiently making a path for yourself when they say there is none, being humble enough to learn and take the fall for your own mistakes, and choosing experience in order to understand—then yes, I am complicated.

In the real world, complicated is better than being a glorified mouthpiece of books and stories written by other people. Seriously.